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    Journal Mental Health

    The Weight of Emptiness

    11th October 2018

    Various statistics report that one in four people suffer from a mental health problem, such as clinical depression. This means that 3 out of 4 people know someone who has a mental health problem, or are carers to someone who does. Clinical depression is a leading cause of death worldwide, ranking along with heart disease. The World Health Organisation (WHO) reports that it is the biggest cause of disability globally and a reason for one of the commonest direct causes of death – suicide. The Mental Health Foundation reports that last year nearly 6000 deaths in the UK were by suicide, whilst an even more alarming figure of 1 in 15 attempt to take their life by suicide. They further report that suicide is the leading cause of death in men aged 20-49 years in the UK.

    This year the UK has appointed a minister for the prevention of suicide, alongside other strategies, launched in the lead up to the 10th of October, a day designated by WHO as being World Mental Health Day, a day which aims to educate about mental well-being and put an end to the stigmas that spread through so many cultures preventing many from seeking help or even recognising the difficulties a lot of people (sufferers and carers) endure. Once upon a time, Muslim thinkers were at the forefront in recognising diseases of the mind and heart, pioneering the first hospitals and therapies for the mentally unwell, in a time when others were imprisoning them and making them live in dire conditions. Nowadays, sadly, that legacy is being forgotten by many Muslims, many of whom fall into the traps of marginalising their fellow Muslim brothers and sisters (let alone the rest of society) who suffer with mental health difficulties. Why do some people, including some Muslims, consider committing suicide?

    One of our members wanted to take this opportunity to share his experiences of depression. He believes many mental health issues are misunderstood and there is still too much stigma attached to them, creating barriers in people being able to speak up and seeking help.  He had a lot of ideas about how to approach this, but struggled to put in to words his feelings. His efforts were also impeded by one of the issues he experiences that forms part of his depression, which is a lack of mental energy. This led him to say the following:

    A societal ideology in which the outspoken minds are the only ones able to speak, the introverted and crushed minds cannot compete. The ideas of the outspoken get stronger and spread, whilst the thoughts of those physically and mentally unable to speak get lost.

     

    We’re incredibly grateful to share this invaluable piece with you, especially when many people who experience mental health issues fear being misunderstood and fear being made to feel even more vulnerable than what they already feel. We hope this open and honest piece enables others to come forward and seek help, and that together we can continue to carry this dialogue further and break whatever barriers there may be. The following is what one of our members has shared about his experience.

     

    ******

     

    I’ve come to realise that what’s called clinical depression is different to someone just saying they’re feeling low. I remember when I was first diagnosed, the psychiatrist said that some of the symptoms I had, like not being able to sleep, not enjoying a lot of things I was doing, constantly feeling tired and low, and not being able to do my job and things that needed to be done, were indicators that I wasn’t well, especially as I was like this for months. I couldn’t understand that, and I knew others around me wouldn’t buy it; that felt like giving an excuse to legitimise why I could be lazy. It didn’t make me feel better because I felt judged by other people who managed to get over low points in their life. I remember one person even said to me that he doesn’t get how someone can get so low to the point that they don’t get out of bed and even neglect important duties. That hurt me.

    Then one day I started to realise that I wasn’t even managing to pray properly, and I would struggle to do many things I used to find easy, like dhikr, reading about Islam, attending beneficial gatherings, praying on time.

    I realised that something in how I was feeling was putting up a huge barrier that I felt dwarfed by. The mountain in my way was no longer just interrupting my worldly life and social things but it was eating away my identity.

    I knew then that the symptoms the professionals mentioned like ‘not finding many things enjoyable, not managing to do things I needed to do’ etc, were different than what ‘normal’ people might feel. It wasn’t about not being bothered and it wasn’t about being lazy. It hurt when others used to comment that I hardly do anything. I could see that it looked like I just chose not to do anything, but I didn’t know how to describe that it wasn’t as simple as that. I didn’t even know how to respond.

    Various things have a certain significance to different people. For some it might be their work, but for me it was my religion. I thought, if I’m not even fulfilling my religious obligations then something is seriously wrong. I was ill; I felt that my heart was blackened but I didn’t know what caused it. When the non-Muslim professionals spoke to me about depression they would describe that it might take away the things important to a person, without them really knowing how it happened. It might be said it wasn’t like they chose to do it directly. I didn’t want to become like this. But I am like this; I don’t want to be though. I am still responsible for what I do. But for some reason when I want to go and do wudu’ and then pray, it doesn’t just feel like what others might experience, such as waking up on a cold morning, putting cold water to their face, fighting a bit of tiredness, before finally trying to pray.

    Instead, it feels like all of that, plus it feels like I have to lift a duvet made of iron bars and lead, with one finger, just to get out of bed, then climb mount Everest in a blizzard to get to the water, and wait ages for the ice to melt in my hand, in order to extract water to do wudu’. This is what my depression feels like and how it affects me. Simple things for others are like mountainous tasks for me.

    When I was well, I enjoyed this whole process, plus feeling the sweetness of wanting to pray. But then that endowment of enjoying things was being reduced and doing almost anything was an even greater effort; I used to feel so tired and it was like I couldn’t see light, even when it was shone in my face.

    They say many people do not appreciate their bounties until they lose it. I didn’t appreciate my health when I was well; I realise that now when I don’t have it.

    Things got really desperate and I felt I’d try medication, though even now I still don’t want to be taking anything. It wasn’t easy because I was getting a lot of horrible side effects and it took ages until I managed to persevere with the current one. I am still taking it because I have noticed a bit of difference with it. I don’t think before I would have been able to write this blog post for instance. I didn’t want medication because I thought it was going to mess up my mind and body. I guess I started taking it when I believed I was already so messed up. I wish I didn’t let myself get as messed up as I did before taking it though; maybe it would have helped me more sooner. But some of the other medications I tried made me worse or didn’t do anything that I noticed strongly. It reminds you doesn’t it, that medications don’t create cure and they don’t always do what you hope… and sometimes there is cure without medication. Whatever Allah eternally willed to be shall be, He is the only Creator of cures.

    I also reflected that had it not been a mental health problem, but something like cancer or a heart attack, I probably would have not given so much deep thinking into whether I would take medication or not. So what does that tell you about how many of us view mental health issues?

    There were a lot of reasons I didn’t initially go to see a therapist, although there is a lot of clinical evidence to show how helpful therapy can be. Some of the reasons behind my reluctance were: shame; I didn’t want to admit I couldn’t just pick myself up; maybe I would be laughed at; or maybe someone would judge me or the therapy and make me feel foolish. But more than that, I didn’t think I could find a therapist who would understand. If I wanted to talk about the evil eye or about waswas or what being well means to me as a Muslim, I thought I wouldn’t find someone like that in the UK. But I did then speak to a non-Muslim therapist, and later a Muslim one.

    Although I can’t say I’ve really given therapy a chance, I have learnt a lot about it however. Even the non-Muslim therapists have a general idea about the nature of my depression. They classified my symptoms as depression after reducing the description of my symptoms into core concepts. My way of talking about it is through terms I know and my beliefs and practices. But I can see that even a secular person would give some meaning to their experiences; both of us get reduced to core symptoms that forms the common language amongst the professionals. The Muslim therapist did a lot more in the sense of understanding the meanings behind my experience. But at the end of the day, whether the therapist understood the deeper meanings or not, depression is depression, and the tools they both provided were almost identical in principle. Of course, the benefit from a Muslim is greater, but I think I was too quick in the past to judge that a non-Muslim would not be able to give me any tools to help me.

    I spoke to a Shaykh who told me that mental illness and physical illness can both be caused by the evil eye, jinn or black magic but that this doesn’t mean physical medications and strategies can’t be used against them. He said that modern medicines are taken by people who get strokes and heart attacks, even though it is possible that the stroke or heart attack was the result of an evil eye. It made me think then, why would I not behave the same way in trying to cure a mental illness? The Shaykh said that mental illnesses, whatever the cause, whether neurotransmitters misfiring, stress, drugs, evil eye, jinn or magic, leave a physical trace. When the cause is removed, it doesn’t mean the illness is cured. He was trying to tell me that there is benefit in the mental health services, even in the West, so long as one doesn’t deviate from Islamic beliefs and practices.

    I used to get asked about suicidal thoughts a lot and most of the time I used to get really angry. I do know why it gets asked; it is because so many people, including Muslims, drown in that path. I think here the knowledge I acquired really saved me. If I didn’t know that suicide was such an enormous sin, and more than that, if I didn’t know that committing suicide might result in an exponentially more horrendous torment in the Hereafter, I probably would have done it by now, however many times, until I actually died. I am not happy in this world, but I know that much worse could be in store for me and that scares me a lot. If I didn’t know that a Muslim, no matter how dire his state becomes, is obligated to have hope of mercy from God, I too would have lost myself. When depressed, for someone who doesn’t believe in the Hereafter, I can imagine how terrible the feelings of hopelessness could become – it might be asked why would such a person put effort in this life?

    When I used to get thoughts, they were usually all those types of thoughts that I was not accountable for; knowing this reduced my sense of guilt, though I still felt I must have a lot of evil in me. A lot of professionals say that when a person has clinical depression their view on the world gets skewed; they wear filtered glasses where only sad emotions frame the surroundings.  So for me, this means that I see evidence of how awful I am, how unlovable I can be and how much of a failure I repeatedly demonstrate that I am; I fail in so many tasks. When I’m trying to be objective though, I realise that sometimes I am interpreting things wrongly. Those glimmers of insight only come about because of what Islam teaches. Knowing that a Muslim must always have a balance between hope and fear is like the anchor that keeps me from sinking.

    Those things did not make me suicidal. It is just when I felt I was losing myself, my identity and the enthusiasm with which I would try to increase my good deeds… in those moments I felt the devil was taking over… in those moments had I abandoned hope, I would have done it. But Allah Protected me from that disaster. I am scared though about what might happen; if I lose my identity completely, then I would lose my insight into reality.

    I feel that I let a lot of people down. Most of them are so polite that they don’t say it, but occasionally the sharpness of their disappointment and maybe resentment bites hard because I’m already biting into myself as it is. I think some people around me are getting better at understanding it but deep down I still feel those people do not really know what it is like. Many people who are very close to me find it hard to cope with how I am. They feel helpless and sometimes this comes out as anger, which makes me feel worse. When I am almost dead to the world, just lying down, or trying to lose myself in a distraction, or when I get in a panic or just start crying – that is hard for them to see. I can imagine if someone I loved was like that, almost all the time, it must be so hard, so I think they feel sad too.

    Some people try to give me advice and I feel they don’t understand at all. I don’t talk very much usually. It is not just about opening my mouth and speaking words. The words feel heavy and the weight of them shuts my mouth. I want to be able to talk to my family and let it all out, but usually when I try, I go blank. I feel lost.

    Sometimes what helps me a huge amount is when I know that it is OK to be silent and I can still get a hug without saying I need one. That is special and the ones who do that to me truly have a beautiful resilience; doing good to someone like me who doesn’t even show much appreciation. That is a beautiful quality, and I hope I can be like that too.

    I feel I can tell the difference now between feeling depressed as a ‘normal’ person and feeling depressed in an illness kind of way. I’m sure there are many people hiding out there who are unwell and they haven’t yet realised. I know about some people who say their families call them lazy and useless in almost everything and this is really hard to stomach. Most of the people nowadays do not understand what depression is; most of them think of depression as we say in general terms, rather than the technical mental health term.

    Some people actually are just lazy or irresponsible, but some people have an actual disability. It’s like telling a person with two arms to drive a car and telling a person with no arms to drive a car. Most people would realise the one with no arms cannot drive, or if they somehow adapt, most people realise how much harder it was for them to manage this ‘simple’ task – because they can see it. Only with depression most of us cannot see what part has been amputated or lost, so most people cannot tell the difference between the efforts required by different people.

    I feel very low about myself. But recently I’ve become hopeful that my efforts in achieving even something little will be a reason for getting reward in the Hereafter because I feel like I find it harder than many people. But then I don’t know for sure how it is for others, though I think I am one of the worst. I am reminded however of how the one coin in charity of that Companion overtook the many coins of another who gave in charity. So maybe, because of my situation, the little I can do, I can still aim to get lots of reward for it.

    Some Muslims give examples of pious people and even Prophets who endured hardships, painful emotions and sadness, but I think this is wrongly compared to depression. Depression is a broken mental state and a creeping defragmentation of one’s intellectual and emotional faculties, it results in falling into a darkness where the light of insight eventually burns out. Depression can lead to distorted perceptions and reduce the drive to work, and in a very bad state it leads to neglecting one’s obligations and responsibilities, including something important like the prayer. Depression can take a person down a dark tunnel until eventually the devil notices it and puts distressing thoughts into your mind and the result becomes one big mess.

    It does that by eating away at a person’s courage, resilience and heart. It takes away the ability to cope. It makes you disabled and paralysed.

    Although the Prophets endured the greatest hardships, it is important to remember that they were not affected by what I have felt, they were not affected by depression, they did not lose their minds, nor the ability to obey God; they are protected from all this.

    Others however can be overwhelmed and affected. From the different people I spoke to I noticed that there were many different types of depression, this is just my experience here. I realised that it isn’t to do with how severe the trials are though. So although the Prophets had the hardest trials, it did not make them clinically depressed, lying in bed all day. Sometimes extremes of emotions (admittedly the perception of extreme emotions is subjective) do strange things to most people, people other than Prophets.

    I am still unwell. My psychiatrist, psychologist and others gave me lots of advice about what needs to be done to improve.

    It’s hard when one of the tools required to carry out the advice i.e. the mind, is itself damaged though. It is like trying to fill a bucket that has a hole in it with water. I need to turn the tap on at full force so that the quantity of water is so much that the bucket fills before it empties. That full force comes from putting into practice as many of the recommended interventions as possible. It takes a lot of energy. When I can’t turn the tap more to increase the volume of water, I need to ask others to help me turn the tap.

    Therapy, medication, exercise, getting a normal routine, increasing dhikr, forcing a smile by remembering that it is Sunnah to smile despite how I feel, sitting with good people… I try to do as much as I can. The more that floods in with the options of things to do, the more that bucket fills up, but I’m not there yet.

    Trying to fix my mind is like having to re-learn things, as if I was a child learning to read and write. I can’t pick up the lengthy text books anymore. I can’t concentrate or digest the information easily; this is another symptom of depression. So I need to read basic things, then climb up slowly to more detailed things. The same was my experience with increasing performing dhikr. On days of increased motivation, I could recite a dhikr 3000 times or more and then suddenly I would collapse and go to zero. But when I started to do say 100 times a day, I could keep that going and after a while I felt incomplete without finishing that 100, then I step up to 200 and so on. It is slow, but it is a surer way for me. There were so many adhkar and ayat from al-Qur’an that were recommended to me to recite and indeed I do feel at peace when I succeed. Then that feeling of succeeding motivates me to try something else, and I can actually smile because I feel like smiling.

     

    Please note: If you have been affected by any of the issues mentioned here, please do speak to loved ones or seek professional help.

    42 Comments

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    42 Comments

  • Reply Sameera Ishaq 11th October 2018 at 10:28 pm

    I just wanted to say a massive thank you for writing this and for having the courage to share this personal struggle you are going through. I pray that you’ll continue to remain strong in fighting this battle and will find the right support to help you through these tough times. May Allaah ta^aalaa ease your hardships, Grant you strength and may you be rewarded for every battle you face, and for the hope you may have given to others who are experiencing their own struggles, ‘aameen.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 12th October 2018 at 8:10 am

      Thank you for your du^aa. I am hopeful that one of the reasons for leaving the darkness I face will be due to du^aa from you and others like you who are so kind to remember me. I ask Allaah to also grant you ease in any hardships you might face and to grant you a great reward

  • Reply Zahra Shah 11th October 2018 at 11:17 pm

    Masha’Allaah may Allaah reward you for sharing this with us and spreading awareness, May Allaah cure you, grant you strength and ease ‘Aameen. Thank you for speaking out and taking your time to benefit others who may be also dealing with similar issues.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 12th October 2018 at 8:18 am

      I ask Allaah to reward you too. Thank you for appreciating it. I was very nervous about sharing this publicly but through the various places my situation has led me to, I met a lot of people who have similar experiences and so many of them don’t share it so I can understand it would be difficult for some people to know what is going on. I hope it does benefit a lot of people

  • Reply Ghosia kalsoom 12th October 2018 at 12:32 am

    SubHaanAllah, may Allah cure you of your depression aameen. Its very interesting to read your post and it must have taken you alot of courage to share your feelings. It felt like I’m reading the post of someone very close going through what you have mentioned you’re going through. May Allah protect you and heal you from this illness and grant us all good health and a good end aameen Ya Rabb. Stay strong!

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 12th October 2018 at 8:21 am

      I’m saddened that someone very close to you is going through a difficult time. I know the ones that care for me and watch how I can become find it hard, so I’m sure it is difficult for you too. I don’t think I always appreciate the ones who care for me. I want to say sorry to them. You stay strong too!!

  • Reply A 12th October 2018 at 2:35 am

    A really brave, moving and informative piece Masha’Allaah

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 12th October 2018 at 8:22 am

      BaarakAllaahu feek. I hope it makes a positive difference to those who read it.

  • Reply Amina 12th October 2018 at 10:27 am

    Subhan Allah…. the state of depression when the whole world feels like a metal box crushing you from all sides is familiar to me. You are a very brave and strong person to write about it. Mashaa’ Allah. I was ‘advised’ to stop being ‘histerical’ at the time bacause they viewed my tears as histerical whims. From my experience, doing a lot of istighfar especially when in prostration helped greatly as well as staying in mosques as I knew there were always angels whose task was to alleviate such situations. It all went with the arrival of warm spring ))) and change of abode, alhamdulillah. It’ll go away in your case too in shaa’ Allah. May Allah ease your state, reward for your patience and grant full recovery.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 12th October 2018 at 11:23 pm

      I’m sad that you went through this too. It is hard to explain to others and even harder when you don’t know yourself what is going on. How did you cope with the comments you received? Did you believe you were being hysterical etc? Unfortunately for a long time I felt i was pathetic, I still do think that but a bigger part of me realises that some of my conclusions about myself are not objective.

      I pray that you continue doing lots of istighfaar. I yearn to be able to do more dhikr and reciting from al-Qur’aan. I hope that I can build up to achieving this. I have heard there are so many special secrets and blessings in seeking forgiveness and that it is a means of relief from difficulties. Thank you for reminding me and I pray that Allaah grants you all the good things you asked for me too.

  • Reply Tasmia Rauf 12th October 2018 at 11:51 am

    BarakAllaahu feekum for sharing such feelings and emotions. May Allaah raise your rank and grant you the reward of your struggles. I think many of our Muslim brothers and sisters can relate to this post and it can help some of them to realise that it’s ok to get help and talk about it. I pray that what you have been through ,you will be able inspire others and in shaa’ Allaah reap the rewards.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 13th October 2018 at 7:44 am

      BaarakAllaahu feekum. I pray your status is also raised and that you are rewarded greatly. I know there are many Muslims who suffer and I really hope that what I wrote goes someway into helping them and giving them a voice explaining some of the things they might also be experiencing

  • Reply Anonymous 12th October 2018 at 12:20 pm

    ‘Aameen to all the du^aas that have been made for you. Sometimes, it is said that you see things when you need to see them the most. Baarakallaahu feek for sharing your story. The courage it must have taken I can imagine because I have a huge lump in my throat right now because I am not myself right now and yet I cannot explain how or why. I am just not ‘me’. I read your recount and I related to some of it, it made me cry in places but I was also grateful that some of the things you mentioned I am not experiencing alHamdulillaah. I really connected with your bucket analogy, I know I need to do this too, but it is so hard, so tiresome. I ask Allaah to make this easy for you and I. I wanted to ask, was this a progressive thing, something that grew and got more serious? Or did it just happen all at once and suddenly you were not the same anymore. I ask because of my own situation. I recognise that I am not in a good place, but I want to get better in shaa’Allaah. I am scared that it will get worse.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 12th October 2018 at 11:18 pm

      I pray that Allaah grants you the good from all the du^aas that have kindly been expressed for me too. I understand that lump in your throat. If you and I can’t explain how or why we might feel some things then you can imagine how hard it is for someone else to understand what’s going on. It is tiring to keep going. One of the things that forces me forward is the hope of something beyond this world. I’ve had this for years now. It comes and goes. Usually i get it once a year and on three occasions I’ve had it last almost a whole year. Apart from being Muslim, it means I don’t know what other parts of my identity I have left. It might be said I don’t know who I am anymore. It grew in me and got serious, One doctor i finally saw strongly believed it was because I didn’t seek help sooner. I didn’t and I regret that. I did hope it would go away, but it got worse and I was ignorant of many things which made it worse. It was my mind that was shattering and a broken mind can’t think straight.

      What sort of things have you tried to help yourself so far? Have you spoken to anyone who might be able to advise you more? There are also some books. If you want to maybe share some of your experiences here, it might help you lift the weight a bit and get some guidance too. the days I manage to recite dhikr I feel happier. I have recently been thinking about therapy. There are lots of therapies out there. I’ve done a lot of reading and asking about it in moments when my concentration has been better. There are therapies that help to improve your insight and reflective abilities, bringing yourself to account and drawing conclusions about what to do. There are also therapies that split your experiences into thoughts, behaviours and emotions. This latter method helped when I could engage my mind a bit more. For example I might feel negative about myself (thought) which means I used to shut myself away in my room (behaviour) and this resulted in me feeling sad (emotion) which then made the thought worse and so on… and I’m also taking medication which was a very hard journey

      Please let me know if I can help you more

      • Reply Anonymous 13th October 2018 at 2:41 pm

        I wrote a response and I accidentally deleted it. That alone defeated me, because it took so much energy to compose it in the first place. A reflection on how I feel about so many things now, I don’t know where my energy has gone.

        So I start again. Baarakallaahu feek for responding, I appreciate the time and effort you have taken, I know it is not easy. It scares me more that you say it grew within you. For me it feels like some sort of univited guest has latched onto me, and is slowly taking away who I am, stripping me of my identity and my energy. I specifically mention energy because I am known for having energy subhaanAllaah, and right now I struggle to get out of bed. It is 2pm and I don’t want to leave my room, tears fall as I write this honestly and truthfully. Still in my room though I had planned a productive day the night before, to help me avoid this. Maybe I am just lazy. But I have never been lazy. I thought I had a defined identity, I always thought I knew who i was, my strengths, my weaknesses and I felt like people knew who I was too. Now i feel sure about none of those matters. I am changing into someone I don’t like. I don’t want to be this person. i want to go back to being the old me. I don’t understand how my mind can change so much?

        I tried to force myself back into my old routine. But when your old identity was so obvious, you stick out like a sore thumb when you are not yourself. I have a very supportive manager and team, though I fought the decision, I am off from work till i am ‘better’. I don’t know if this will help me? I didn’t think it would hence why i fought the decision. I spoke to a work counsellor who I found incredibly patronising – she told me I didn’t know how to look after myself. I saw my GP who has suggested another counsellor and CBT. Medication was also discussed but I refuse to accept that I need to take pills to make this go away? Surely not. All of these little actions have been extremely extremely extremely hard steps for me, because I am an independent, self sufficient person normally. Normally I can sort things out myself, I am resilient and positive. I don’t know what has happened to me. Now I cry at how weak I feel mentally, i cry because i feel ashamed, embarrassed and guilty that my loved ones have to see me in a state they have never seen me before, and never thought they ever would. I cry sometimes not knowing why.

        I have always loved to write, to journal. I kept a hand written journal, it would help me process my thoughts. I would take time to do so. Since my mind started changing, I grew impatient of doing this, it felt too tiresome. I type now, especially when my emotions are very very very highly strung. I write what I feel because I don’t want to verbalise it to anyone and I feel there is safety in silence. Sometimes I can only describe what I feel, because I don’t understand it, or its root, or its solution. Sometimes i feel like if i get it out, it might leave me.

        I do take solace in praying, doing dhikr and reciting Qur’aan. When I do these things I feel a benefit in it truly. But as days go by, doing these things get harder and harder. I also feel a benefit when I am around good company and sessions of knowledge. But getting there is hard. In this vulnerable state, I am prey to the shaytaan, and he certainly does his best to keep me away.

        I have not done any research in it. I don’t know if I am ready to do that just yet. I think I am still in denial about it all. I admit my feelings, I admit I am not normal, i admit all of these things, and yet I refuse to accept that this is me, or that it will stay with me and that i can’t fight this on my own? I do want to get better and I want to be the one to make myself better.

        • Reply The weight of emptiness 13th October 2018 at 4:15 pm

          That was a very heart felt account, I feel a lot of the things you mentioned. I particularly struggle with energy and motivation and have spent months lying in bed well into the day feeling not able to face the torment that hounded me when awake. But that isn’t how i knew myself to be. I was also known as someone with a lot of energy and ideas and completing so many tasks, progressing forward and being an achiever. My mum believed that the evil eye struck me, I wonder if you might think this about yourself? Have you spoken to someone reliable who could recite on you and advise you about your feelings as well? I notice somebody mentioned shaykh waleed in the the comments here. Do you have access to him?

          The old me was very different and an achiever in many things, a man of action, hardly tiring but now I don’t know what are my actual characteristics because the changes are so frequent and overwhelming. You said you are not yourself anymore, you said you are not normal, so of course you would refuse to accept this is you. I wrote about a bucket with a hole and needing to turn the tap to have a greater force of water coming through so that I can fill the bucket, but when I can’t turn the tap myself I need others and strategies beyond myself to turn that tap for me.

          I used to write in the past but the energy I had for that went away and so did the ideas, my emotions were a huge entangled mass that I didn’t know what dictionary or thesaurus could help me to phrase them.

          I feel it is good that you still type and that you can cry. I used to feel numb after crying but it was also a type of release. I didn’t feel happy after but something felt a bit better. Then I stopped managing to cry and I was locked into myself. My mistake was that I kept thinking I can get out of this myself. I clearly couldn’t. My old self probably could have, but that’s not who I was anymore. I was trying to do things my old self could do with my new (temporary) self – it didn’t work. I didn’t know what my new self will achieve but I painfully realised what it could not achieve.

          Many people I saw I found incredibly patronising and it left me feeling exposed, angry and hollow. But there are some people out there who are really good at managing to advise. After trying all the things I could try by myself and noticing that I wasn’t even doing them enough e.g. reciting, attending good company etc, I admitted to myself that something had to be done to stop me sliding into this darkness further. I had the option of therapy or medication. I didn’t choose therapy initially. My mind wasn’t able to engage with it. So I finally decided to have medication. I thought maybe it could boost me enough till I could take over myself again without it. Seeking external help came after I allowed myself to admit that I couldn’t do it alone and I was unwell. This seeming admission of defeat was perhaps the strongest attack I was making on my situation. Maybe waswaas was preventing me from seeking support, after all shayTaan doesn’t want me to get well.

          You wrote “I thought I had a defined identity, I always thought I knew who i was” – I believe you do know who you were and who you want to be and also what has happened now. When I was at that stage what I should have done is realised that my identity and mind was broken and my broken mind could not achieve what my unbroken mind could. If I looked into a shattered mirror parts of my reflection were missing, I didn’t look at a whole person anymore. I needed to admit that then seek help in gluing myself back together again. When enough glue sticks I could again take over and try to mend the rest of me.

  • Reply Halima 12th October 2018 at 12:31 pm

    BaarakAllaahu feekum for sharing. I don’t know how it was for you to write this piece but truly it is beautifully written in its own way, it moved me and I learned so much from it.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 13th October 2018 at 7:48 am

      BaarakAllaahu feekum. I’m really relieved to know that it did impact on you and others and that I did manage to convey information in it and not just make it about myself. It took me such a long time to gear myself into writing it but when i started i felt words flowing. I had written a lot more and I had help in writing it so that I could convey as closely as possible what I wanted to say. It was also edited afterwards too. So I am thankful to those who helped me. After it was posted I felt vulnerable. I guess I still do.

  • Reply Um Jibril 12th October 2018 at 1:07 pm

    May Allah elevate your status and admit you into the highest gardens of Paradise my brother. If you ever have time to take Quran from one of the reliable teachers at a centre or even in your home, reach out and inshaa’Allah people would be honoured to come and serve you. For me personally, this helped a lot as there is special shifaa’ within the recitation of the Holy Quran. May Allah make you happy wherever you may be and may He protect you and relieve you of your hardships, ameen. I hope you also have one good friend come into your life who can help you through this, inshaa’Allah. May Allah grant you the support of a trusted companion, ameen. 🙂

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 13th October 2018 at 7:41 am

      I really appreciated your comments. I pray that you too are elevated and admitted into the highest gardens of Paradise. I would love to learn to recite much more. I hope that I am granted a nice voice to recite with and I know even now when I recite what I know I get a soothing effect in my heart. You are right to remind us about the healing from reciting al-Qur’aan. I pray that Allaah Protects you. God be praised I am blessed with beautiful and caring companions and friends.

  • Reply M 12th October 2018 at 2:44 pm

    Thank you for writing about your personal experience around depression. SubhanAllaah many people are very unware about the stuggles of mental health issues and ‘inshaa’Allaah your post can benefit other people going through something similar. I hope Allaah grants you ease through this difficult time and cures your depression ‘aameen.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 13th October 2018 at 7:52 am

      So many Muslims go through hardships and there’s a lot I don’t understand. I hope this blog gives an opportunity to others to write about themselves too. This blog also shares nice experiences, it really is a nice connection to the variety of insights from our brothers and sisters. I pray that Allaah give you ease too, ‘aameen

  • Reply T 12th October 2018 at 3:12 pm

    May الله grant you peace, piety, and expiate you of your sins when you go through hardships. آمين
    The Muslims are like a body; when one part of the body is in pain, the whole body responds to it with sleeplessness and fever. We are one.
    Keep going, our brother.
    May الله bless you. آمين

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 13th October 2018 at 7:56 am

      I pray that Allaah grants you peace and to be pious and to be forgiven too. It is a beautiful saying of The Prophet you remind us all of. Can you imagine how amazing it would be if we did feel for each other as strongly as that. I certainly lack a lot. I pray that Allaah instills in us to be as mentioned in that amazing saying

  • Reply Eman Mansour 12th October 2018 at 4:19 pm

    This is such an incredibly moving article masha’a Allaah and it must have taken such courage for you to share. It reveals your strength and skill in articulating your experiences through writing and your generosity by sharing your private experiences for the benefit of others. I hope that it may provide some ease for others who may be suffering in silenence and understanding in others who may be able to offer more support by understanding more about depression. May Allaah grant you with further strength, piety and facilitate for you to benefit yourself and others greatly. May Allaah you with grant with ease from hardships and great happiness and success in this life and the next.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 13th October 2018 at 7:36 am

      I pray that Allaah grants you the same. I am not the only one with these trials and there are so many people much worse than I am. I am thankful to Allaah that I have the ability to sometimes express myself and write. Many people who are more severely ill would not even manage that. I also hope that some people who read it feel comforted. Thank you for your kind comment

  • Reply Towhid alom 12th October 2018 at 10:27 pm

    This is very powerful Mashaa’Allaah. I was going through manic episodes during my sisters wedding in 2015 and due to this I missed the wedding. My family at the time thought it could be jinns so we visited sheikh waleed and he gave us expert advice and told us to see a professional as it was a medical problem I was facing. I went through highs and lows and Allaah the almighty saved me from situations I put myself in.
    May Allaah protect all those Muslims who are suffering from mental health #staypositive #worldmentalhealthday

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 12th October 2018 at 11:00 pm

      I’m so proud of how you shared what happened to you. I’ve not been as brave as you. So many people hide mental health matters, I think a large part of that is because, at least in my case, I don’t know what to show to prove something’s wrong. It just comes across to most as acting weird or being weak or making excuses, then comes things like being possessed and so on. When someone has other types of health problems like a fracture, major operations, heart attacks or cancer, most of them don’t feel ashamed of it. I feel ashamed. I know many people with mental health issues do not feel ashamed. My situation meant I also missed many gatherings. But when I know someone else does have knowledge about mental health I don’t feel so stigmatised. I knew someone with bipolar, sadly I’m not in touch with him anymore. His episodes of mania and depression were really severe. Much worse than me. I knew someone else who died through suicide. But he, like so many others, including you I’m sure, achieve so much when in good health. Thank you so much for sharing. May Allaah give you a high rank.

  • Reply Anonymous 13th October 2018 at 12:12 pm

    May Allaah ease your matters ‘Aameen. For someone who has been through what you are going through I can assure you that one day it will get better by the will of Allaah. Remember that nothing in this world lasts forever… not ever your worries. My dear teacher RaHimah-ullaah once said to me: ” People who are not tested are often complacent. Inside hardships there is a disguised opportunity.” Allâh help you and turn your pains into expiations. AlHamdu-lillaah for Islaam, alHamdu-lillaah for AICP. May Allaah raise your rank through this hardship. May Allâh guide your steps and grant you a good end and may He allow you to see the Last Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 13th October 2018 at 12:45 pm

      ‘aameen. Thank you for your touching words. I pray that Allaah grants you what you asked for me too. ‘aameen. I think one of the biggest things I’m trying to deal with you is getting back to a routine, trying to overcome a severe tiredness and trying to feel a stronger motivation. Without this I feel flat. Our emotions are a huge driving factor for doing things. I feel very numb. Someone said to me to recite the tahleel a huge amount to try and illuminate my heart. I hope I can.

  • Reply Sadia 13th October 2018 at 1:54 pm

    Baraak Allahu feekum for sharing this very powerful account of your experience. We deifnetly need our community to be informed better regarding mental health and accounts like this are very eye opening for some. May Allah reward you and relieve your suffering and may he grant you patience and perseverance to keep going. Ameen

  • Reply The weight of emptiness 13th October 2018 at 2:11 pm

    BaarakAllaahu feekum. I hope awareness increases and others can share their stories too but it’s such an individual experience.

  • Reply An Anonymous User 14th October 2018 at 10:30 pm

    Thank you for those touching words. I pray that Allah grants you what you want and insha’Allah you’ll be back to normal and being better then you were before. I relate to most of the points that you have mentioned. In fact, it was so relatable that i broke down. I have changed so much that i have become a person that i dont like. Im tired of everyone and everything. I cant breathe anymore. I haven’t breathed in such a long time and i miss the air soo much. I am a very strong metaphorical person. Thats one of the ways i cover my depression. I dont like to show people my trueself anymore because i feel like they’d want to run away from me. So i use my sarcasm and my metaphors as a mask. My family wouldnt believe that im depressed because i hide it to the best of my ability. I have become so careless that i dont really care about anything anymore. I have lost myself and i tried to look for me but i gave up, it was just impossible to do. I miss my old self. I miss how independent i was and how life was just so much simpler. I havent had the suicidal thoughts yet and i think thats because im strong in my religion.
    My depression has caused many things such as panic attacks and body aches all the time and tiredness. I cant sleep easily. And when i do eventually sleep, i need to get up and leave the house. I get max 3 hrs of sleep. Im a very organised person, and thats the only thing thats keeping me standing through the day. When im about to break down in front of people, i go a bit crazy. I dont like to cry in public. So i act like im crazy happy. But the people that have known me for the past 5 years know that im breaking deep inside but they cant do anything about it because they know that i can never let things out to them.
    Any way i dont want to make this long, insha’Allah you’ll get better. I will pray that Allah makes things easy on you. Take care x

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 14th October 2018 at 11:51 pm

      I was affected by your words. I’m sorry if I caused you to break down. I do feel something positive after I’ve cried though. Not always happy, but there is some kind of peaceful feeling. Like you I kept saying, and still do say, that I’ve lost a huge part of myself and I don’t know how to get it back. But how many of us stay the same throughout our lives? I am no longer the person I was 5 years ago, I’m not even the same person as yesterday in the sense that my views and experiences change so much.

      I used to get scared of becoming careless but your words made me recognise something in myself and I don’t know if it holds true for you too. When I acted as if I didn’t care and at the same time I missed my old self, I guess I actually did care after all. I often show the opposite of how I feel inside. I often use sarcasm and humour, especially in the company of others to push back a deep sadness inside me, in fact I did this even today. I laugh and joke and make others laugh, burying how I am feeling inside so it doesn’t show. But I find sometimes when I do that, I actually do end up having sparks of feeling good. I think there’s a saying some people say, fake it till you make it!

      It is Sunnah to smile and it is good to bring comfort to others, maybe next time you are trying to mask breaking down, maybe have this intention, that it’s actually good to smile and bring happiness to other Muslims. It is not easy for a lot of people. For me it is sometimes automatic now. I become so good at acting that it actually feels like I am what I am acting out, and that’s not necessarily bad I think, so I don’t feel bad for it if I preserve a good intention.

      I feel like you like and the couple of others who so bravely commented here, should seek stronger support from someone who knows how to advise better. And don’t discount your family and friends. Perhaps you need to choose someone from them too, especially someone from the group you say knows that you’re breaking down. Sometimes just not knowing how they would react or out of feeling too much shame I didn’t tell some people. So if your situation is similar then even if they know they probably won’t say anything unless you let them in. Meanwhile it will be like the elephant in the room. You might feel vulnerable. But as I learnt, I had to make that step to feel something different to what I was getting stuck in, so that I could start a new journey and hopefully progress, even if that starts with a negative feeling of vulnerability and fear of what others might say. At least that will break the negative cycle you are so unhappy in.

  • Reply Selim Ahmed 15th October 2018 at 12:00 am

    I am a psychiatrist by profession. This account is really heartfelt indeed, both the initial article and the replies that followed. Most of us do not realise how rife mental health issues are as it is kept so silent by so many. I would advise if any of you and anyone else who reads this blog needs extra support please do contact the services you know of. There are of course your family and friends, there are usually also local crisis teams from the NHS which are open 24/7 (google crisis team in my area for their contact info.) and there is your GP and A&E. Sometimes if you google access to therapies in your local area you might find a lot of free services that can advise you. In addition to that you can approach your teacher from one of the AICP centres if you attend lessons there who might be able to advise you about supplications you can recite and dhikr or point you in the direction of someone else you can talk to including professionals who also attend the lessons.

    If you feel the situation you’re in is so immediate there are emergency helplines you can call. Either 111 or 999 or looking up in Google the issue for which you need support e.g. depression helpline, psychosis helpline or suicide helpline for example

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 16th October 2018 at 7:55 am

      I’m really glad you put a comment with places to go for help. BaarakAllaahu feek

  • Reply Muhammad Ahmad 15th October 2018 at 10:18 am

    May Allah ease the difficulties of the author, and all the others who replied with their experiences. It must have been hard to write these words about such a personal matter, but it really helps people to know that that what they’re feeling may be due to a condition which has a cure, and is not just their personality or character. I also found useful the point about making use of modern Western medicine and therapy, provided of course that it doesn’t contradict the Religion. I haven’t sought professional help myself (although perhaps I should), but I’ve recently been reading some of the available literature on various psychological issues, and it’s shed some light on things I’ve been experiencing, and taken some of the mystery and uncertainty away. It’s encouraging to think that insha’Allah – although it may take time and effort – one might break through the barriers holding oneself back, and that one could be and do so much more on the other side.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 16th October 2018 at 7:54 am

      I’m glad you found it useful to read. I pray that Allaah grants you ease from the difficulties you are facing. I think if you feel you need professional help it is better not to delay it and that is my hindsight. Thank you for your comments. It is really encouraging to see that my experiences touched a few people, although sad to see that so many people are going through this

  • Reply AQM 16th October 2018 at 10:00 pm

    Sheikh ^Abdullah used to recommend using oil from violets for treating depression. The oil can be obtained through AICP from several trustworthy people who prepare it, like Hajj Kamal. However, do not obtain it from shops as those are often used as scent and not suitable as medication. Drops of the oil are put in the nose with the head tilted back. It is effective. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viola_(plant)#Medicinal.

    Also saffron when used in drinks such as milk or tea has an uplifting activity. Grind it and put it in a glass salt shaker and sprinkle some on hot drinks everytime you have one. You may find this may substitute for the medication yo are taking.

    May Allah cure you.

    • Reply The weight of emptiness 17th October 2018 at 6:19 pm

      BaarakAllaahu feek. I have come across very little in terms of what I can rely upon about medicine inspired by Islamic teachings. I have heard about the four elements/humours which need to be in particular balances and an excess of one or more/or deficiencies in one or more result in various ailments of the body. I also hear about foods and herbs/oils that help in treatment, of course as well as aayaat and various du^aa or dhikr. Someone mentioned to me that the Shaykh also mentioned that smelling genuine lavender oil eases feelings of anxiety.

      Thank you for mentioning about the violet oil, I’m not sure how I can get hold of some but I will try to. There was a time when I was putting saffron in my tea with honey, years ago, because I like the taste!

      I pray that our knowledge in this field increases to benefit the ummah. One of my teachers said that the shaykh told him that there is a need for Muslims to enter this field.

  • Reply Drowning Fast, with One Hand Tied Behind My Back -Part 1 – AICP UK Blogs 10th October 2020 at 8:10 pm

    […] at any time in the first year of having given birth, and as you may have understood from our previous article on depression, it is not simply feeling severely low. Depression after childbirth can also affect […]

  • Reply Anonymous 10th October 2020 at 11:13 pm

    My heart sunk whilst reading this, I read this blog when it was first posted but my emotions were such that I couldn’t put into words what I was feeling. I really admire your strength in writing this. This account that was written is something I can relate to. For 2 years I went through exactly what you described without seeking any help. It was due to a trauma incident that I was severely affected by. I tried to ignore it, I am someone who is surrounded by many loved ones, I am the strength around my loved ones, the “positive one”, I felt like I couldn’t show what I was actually feeling as I didn’t want to be weak for those who need me. I didn’t want to be a burden either. It got to a point where I felt like I didn’t want to be here, I’d wake up not knowing how I’d get through each hour and I’d go to bed thinking I can finally not think and sleep ( even then it would take a while to switch off). I would often have panic attacks, which I tried my best to hide but on some occasions my physical response to what I was feeling was out of my control, I’d struggle to breathe & had no idea how to stop
    this feeling of my chest tightening & grasping for breath. This would often lead to me feeling light headed. By the Will of Allaah I was able to seek help and speak to my GP because I wanted to fight this battle. I am someone who has always been ambitious with my career, someone who wants to be the strength for loved ones and someone who is strong in terms of my religion. My career ambitions were slipping away, my confidence and my self esteem. I was worried I would slip away from doing good deeds & possibly even committing an enormous sin of taking my life which is something that I would constantly battle with.
    After two years I decided to speak to my GP and it was the best decision that I made. I was referred for counselling, initially it wasn’t effective at all. I kept at it for nearly 2 years , it was only the last few months where I had a turning point. I was finally starting to feel like my old self, I would have moments where I felt ok? I was finally accepting that despite past situations, my current situation is one where I am safe, I am loved and that it’s ok to have bad days. Bad days in the past have followed by good days. Hardships in the past have followed by ease. My mentality and view of situations has changed and I am so so so grateful. Alongside this I was also told to recite La Hawla Wa laa Quwatta illaah Billaah, this eased my heart massively. Listening to the Quran also softened my heart.
    I have always been rubbish at actually talking about this so I’m actually surprised I was able to write this response to this article.
    I guess I wanted anyone who is struggling to know not to expect changes over night and not to give up. It will be worth it, remember your intentions and fight those battles . May it be a means for us to be able to do more good deeds & to die in a good state in shaa Allaah.

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