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    Journal Mental Health

    The Serenity after the Storm

    10th October 2019

    Sound mental (and physical) health according to Muslim physicians is related to having a balanced temperament and proportionate humours which represents the constituents of the human body. When these are imbalanced, illnesses can occur and one of the means of medical cure is by taking measures to rectify the imbalances. 

    In Western Medicine, diseases of the mind have been given names according to clusters of symptoms and patterns. Amongst one of those labels is what is called schizoaffective disorder which is characterised by abnormal thought processes and an unstable mood and is estimated to affect almost 1-2 in every 200 people. The risk of completed suicides is particularly high in this group, and aside from this group of individuals, overall it is said that one million people die by suicide every year and the recorded figures are increasing annually.

    In support of World Mental Health Day, an initiative started by the World Federation for Mental Health (WFMH) over 25 years ago, promoted by the World Health Organisation (WHO) and in collaboration with efforts from over 150 different countries, we have yet another heartfelt account of the suffering and journey of an individual who was affected severely by mental health issues and battled with suicidal thoughts. 

    The theme the WFMH have identified for this year is “Mental Health Promotion and Suicide Prevention”. These are very real issues that Muslim scholars and doctors have addressed over the centuries. This piece is a very personal account of somebody who went through an ordeal that they found terrifying when they became mentally unwell. The author acknowledges that at one stage they were no longer of sound mind, and it is from the Mercy of Allah that when somebody loses their sanity they are not held accountable for what they do. As a reminder, as Muslims we show mercy and compassion to our brothers and sisters in their times of need.

     

     ******

     

    I was sectioned… which means I was detained by force and made to comply with treatment on a psychiatric ward against my will.

    Most people actually are voluntarily there but my situation was different. There are many types of sectioning powers and to be sectioned means that the legislation in the UK under the mental health act has been applied and its intention is not just enforcing assessment and treatment but also to protect the patient and other people. It was a scary time.

    My Story

    During 2015, I was diagnosed initially with bipolar disorder but that changed to a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. The changing labels shows how dynamic my symptoms became and also how ambiguous the symptoms were. This was a horrible and scary time for me as a young adolescent.

    At first, I was in denial of what was happening to me and this led to matters escalating even further. It started off in school: I would attend my classes with either a really high mood where I would be overly excited and act as if I’m ready to take on almost any challenge at all costs, or I would end up entering school substantially depressed where I would sit in one spot quietly and ignore what was going on. During this stage, my mind would go blank and my thought process would become dysfunctional. It doesn’t just switch between instants but there would be several days and sometimes weeks between the two extremes.

    Some people might think what’s wrong with being in a manic high mood, but it isn’t the same as being in a good mood.

    It’s a mindset that can make you do dangerous things without thinking and without taking risks into account. When I was like that, I couldn’t even structure my sentences properly.

    My mind was full of ideas and I would have a strong desire to share them, but they would merge into one another and wouldn’t make sense. It was something as follows “Hello… Do you remember when the… Umm… Car… No… Beach towel…. Do you remember when… Umm… This happened… Then that happened.”

    During the lows my work rate became poor, in fact it was poor in both mood states. But during the depressive phase I became a lot less focused in class to the point where I would doze off and leave a blank desktop screen open when I should be doing work, and so much of that was because of a lack of energy, enjoyment and motivation for so many things. After getting to a bad low, somehow, I would switch to tragic manic episodes. I remember at the time I didn’t accept that there was anything wrong with my mood at all. Alhamdulillaah, I am glad that I still have my friends and family there for me. This shows that if you surround yourself with the right people, good comes out of it. There are many people who lose their family and friends, without meaning to, because of how a person with bipolar or schizoaffective disorder becomes.

    These manic episodes would lead to me doing things which are hard to explain now when I look back. I would verbally lash out at my friends and family and it didn’t make sense. Also, I would have thoughts or ideas and irrational plans about how to make money by selling food and drinks in schools. There were also many little things adding up that would occur during manic episodes and I can hardly remember so much of it.

    The way that I was able to recognise how to differentiate between manic episodes and normality and depression was by noticing that my mind would travel dysfunctionally at 100 miles per hour when manic, and when depressed it could become the complete opposite.

    I also had suicidal thoughts and acted on some of those thoughts. This was the hardest part for my family, and it is sad to think that anyone, but especially someone as young as I was, would have suicidal thoughts. As a young Muslim who was also trying to learn more about Islam, many would not understand how to make sense of that and would only notice the contradictions in my behaviours and thoughts.

    I missed school in order to attempt suicide and I made two attempts in one day.

    I took some kitchen knives and went to a river to actually end my life. This is how fragmented the illness made my mind. When I went to reach for the knives from my pocket, I bent over to see if this was the desired spot to end my life. And before I knew it, by the will of Allah, all of the knives fell out into the water and travelled with the current. On the second attempt later in the day, I went into town and collected a bungee cord from a DIY shop and returned back to my area to the nearest park. I managed to tie the rope to the tree and AGAIN, by the will of Allah, I was stopped. Just as I was tying the cord around my neck, I received a phone call from my sibling which went something like as follows:

    “I heard you’re not in school, is everything okay?”

    “I wasn’t feeling well. I’m on the way home now”.

    I left the rope where it was and returned home, as if nothing had happened.

    It shows sometimes how what might be seen as a minor contact from someone can have a major impact on a fellow Muslim.

    The monstrosity of my symptoms caused so much damage. It might be said it hits you in a way that doesn’t give you a choice, because as I was making those suicide attempts, the thoughts in my head kept on going on and on, and telling me things like I am worthless and there is no need to live anymore.

    My manic episodes were at their peak during my sibling’s wedding preparations, leading me to miss the entire wedding. I was isolated in my mother’s bedroom, away from the busy household, and only a few family members would enter, as I was really manic, to the point that I was not recognised as a sane human and they were also getting tired, frightened and stressed too.

    I had weird delusions and bizarre ideas, hallucinations where I was experiencing things that I couldn’t see, like hearing voices, and I had abnormal thoughts, like my thoughts were not in my control. 

    My older cousin was the first in my family to consider this as being a mental health issue and persuaded my family to take me to the hospital. He came to this conclusion by visiting my friends and asked them questions about my behaviour over the past couple of months, since my friends were the ones who experienced my behaviour firsthand and they knew something wasn’t right.

    In my family the perception of this being a mental illness was something that carried a lot of stigma and was not accepted. I was sent for ruqyah first (so that someone qualified could recite things to protect me and supplicate for me), which is a good and necessary thing to be done. Immediately, my family was advised by the one who did the ruqyah that it was a mental illness and I should seek medical attention.

    Finally, I went to the hospital. I was put into a room which had a fan and everything seemed as if it was in high definition, as my senses were very sensitive. It was almost as if I was sitting in a 4D cinema room because every little sound ticked me off and made me scream, to the point where I screamed all day until I fell asleep.

    When I was going to get sectioned, a doctor from the home treatment team came to my house to assess me and I was taken out of the house. Two police officers had to assist as I was resisting. They then let my cousin take over, leading me to the police van. I thought I was in a video game because that’s what hallucinations do to you. So I put on my hood and tried to lash out at the police. When I reached the hospital, I was getting dragged in by my arms because I was resisting so much. This is because my thoughts and hallucinations made me distrust what was going on. It was terrifying. I was put in a room with a thin mattress on the floor and suddenly four nurses came and held me down and injected me with something that knocked me out for 24 hours. I spent a month in that hospital.

    My illness escalated, and the medications they were giving were not working and they decided I needed a placement in what is called maximum security. I stayed in this maximum security for four months. A lot occurred in that time. I was also treated in a way that is hard for me to put into words. My illness had gone on a long time. There were also some uplifting experiences that I remember too. The nurses told me that they liked taking care of me, because although I had plenty of manic episodes, I was always one of the friendliest ones to the doctors, nurses, and other patients. I was told that even when someone is ill, most of the time their underlying personality remains, so a friendly person stays friendly and an aggressive person is aggressive.

    A section is not the nicest way of receiving treatment. When I was having a manic episode that they couldn’t contain, they threw me into a seclusion box which had bulletproof windows and a mat to lie on.

    On reflection I think it actually helped, though I often felt like I was being treated like a prisoner.

    I was allowed to have visitors after the first couple of weeks, but these visits were not every day because it was costly for my family to travel so far away to come and see me.

    I would say if you ever feel like you are not yourself, just speak up. It may not be easy, but if you know there is someone whom you can trust and express your feelings to them, then let them know. Alhamdulilllaah, I am now on daily medication and am stable. I feel like I am living a normal life again and I am not letting my past take over my life. I feel motivated to help others, even if it means sharing these very personal experiences.

    This piece was really hard for me to write and it took a lot of courage, but I hope I managed to make you understand some of what my experience was like.

    I hope that you are able to take something from this, and that you are able to understand what it is like going through this, so that more people become aware and realise that they don’t need to wait until things become severe in order for them to finally seek help.

     

    Please note: If you have been affected by any of the issues mentioned here, please do speak to loved ones or seek professional help.

    36 Comments

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    36 Comments

  • Reply Halima 10th October 2019 at 9:36 pm

    Allaah yubaarik bikum, thank you for sharing your story. I hope this gives others courage to speak up and seek advice /help. More dialogue and conversations about mental health need to happen in our communities.

    • Reply Nazmin 6th April 2020 at 11:09 pm

      I was sent this by a younger sister and I read and wept . Thank you for having the courage to write this . I hope it helps many . My own cousin. Took his life fifty years ago back home in bangladesh and must have felt so alone and lonely . May Allah bless you

  • Reply Anonymous 10th October 2019 at 9:57 pm

    Baarakalahu feek. I know, there’s a huge stigma when it come to mental health and in the recent years it has been more of an awareness which I am truly happy about! Please keep me in your dua^s 🙂

  • Reply Sadi 10th October 2019 at 10:24 pm

    May Allah protect you. Ameen. Thank you so much for sharing this it was very eye opening and people need to be more aware of mental health issues in our communities and be supportive of one another. Alhamdullilah things are slowly changing.

    • Reply Anonymous 11th October 2019 at 9:14 am

      Baraak-Allaahu-Feekum please keep me in your dua^s

  • Reply Sab 11th October 2019 at 8:57 am

    Maa shaa Allaah for being brave! This really moved me and more people should be aware of Mental health. It is a sensitive subject and this really puts into perspectuve what it is like to go through mental health issues! May Allaah protect you from harm and grant you peace in times where you feel like nothing is going well and everything is falling apart ♡ ‘Aameen

    • Reply Anonymous 11th October 2019 at 6:20 pm

      Jazakallaah. It takes courage to speak with someone when you are going through something. Even with me, I didn’t speak to even my family until after I was sectioned when I spoke to a psychiatrist. I want everyone to know that when you open up it feels like you lifted a huge boulder off your chest and you don’t feel alone anymore. Please keep me and my family in your dua^s.

  • Reply Shahnaz 11th October 2019 at 9:20 am

    Baarakallaahu feek for sharing your story and what you went through, It certainly takes a lot of courage to share something so personal but perhaps through your courage, others will find the strength to come forward too and get the help they need in shaa’Allaah. May Allaah protect you and grant you goodness in this life and the Hereafter and may Allaah continue to grant you good health and reward you for your patience ‘aameen.

    • Reply Anonymous 11th October 2019 at 6:22 pm

      It’s a huge relief when you speak up. It feels as if you let that storm that was brewing up inside you release sunshine 🙂 baarakalahu feekum.

  • Reply NR 2nd April 2020 at 7:16 pm

    The sweetest of souls, may you fly high x

  • Reply anonymous 3rd April 2020 at 4:43 am

    you did so well. i don’t know you but you did well

  • Reply HB 3rd April 2020 at 6:09 am

    I hope you’re enjoying the fruits of Jannah inshallah, may you rest easy 🕊💗

  • Reply Am 3rd April 2020 at 11:23 am

    R.I.P T ❤️

  • Reply Anonymous 3rd April 2020 at 2:39 pm

    This piece has helped so many people understand the issues around mental health. When one hasn’t experienced what it feels like wanting to die it is a blessing. It is, as they say, human instinct to survive, to keep paddling, to keep head above water. But a few know what it feels to lose that initial instinct and opt for death. One can be highly functional, making jokes one minute and no one will know what it’s going on in their minds. Those who have attempted suicide and failed will tell you it’s not about lack of gratitude or lack of reliance on God. Mental health is not like a broken leg. There is little sympathy for the one suffering. Once conversation, one doctor’s meeting, one or two session of counseling is not enough. And loved ones while they may feel like they are walking on eggshells around such a person, making that known to them will shut them out completely. They will continue to smile for your sake. When such a person is overcome with the thought’s of self-harm, unless someone catches them in that instant, it is very difficult to come out of that themselves. He fought for so many years. And in those years he benefitted many.
    He is loved and he loved his family, his religion, he was a gentleman. He will always be remembered as such. God have mercy on him ‘āmīn

  • Reply Hasana (your appy) 3rd April 2020 at 3:32 pm

    My darling little brother, you left a mark on many peoples lives. May your words reach those who are in need of help. May your sins be forgiven. May you be granted jannatul firdous and may Allaah reunite us in the hereafter. You were loved by so many and we will continue to share your memories and make dua for you each and every day. This is a lesson to us that life is so short and not to take our loved ones for granted .

    • Reply Nayla 6th April 2020 at 10:46 pm

      Hi hasna I don’t know you; but I’m truly and honestly so sorry to hear of your brothers loss
      I honestly read your brothers blog and it honestly made my cry 😭 I honestly can tell from the way of his writing what a clever boy he was and how deeply he felt each of his words pierced my heart I feel so much sadness for your brother and what actually upset me the most was that he thought he was getting better I’m ever so sorry for your loss may Allah guide us all and may Allah help our Muslim brother rest in peace and grant him one of the most beautiful gardens in jannatual al Firdus
      Ameen

  • Reply LM 3rd April 2020 at 3:44 pm

    رحمه الله رحمة واسعة

  • Reply Eman Wild 3rd April 2020 at 4:08 pm

    May Allaah ease the pain of this brothers family. What kindness and strength you have dear sister to think of others at this time of suffering. Your brother’s kindness is apparent in his touching words and I will continue to make du^aa for you, your brother, your family and friends dear sister. May Allaah reward you highly for your patience and may He ease your pain and grant your dear brother with paradise.

  • Reply Anonymous 3rd April 2020 at 5:49 pm

    May Allah grant his Mercy upon you and may you lay in Jannah x

  • Reply S Ahmed 3rd April 2020 at 6:27 pm

    I didn’t know the brother well but I used to see him in Friday classes, he’d come around to greet everyone with salaam and a handshake.
    Duas for his akhira and heartfelt thoughts with the family. May Allaah Ta’ala give you strength. May Allaah Ta’ala grant the brother success through an intercession with the best of creations, our master Mohammad Rasul’Allaah Sallalaho wa alayhi wasa’lam.

  • Reply Anon 3rd April 2020 at 6:52 pm

    May Allah raise his rank, you can see the gentleness in his writing

  • Reply AH 3rd April 2020 at 6:58 pm

    inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, may Allah forgive all your sins & grant you the highest ranks of jannah. I did not know you but your story is touching. i will continue making dua for you and your loved ones. may Allah grant them strength, sabr and guidance and reunite you all in Jannah. may you rest easy❤️

  • Reply Anonymous 3rd April 2020 at 7:46 pm

    Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon. After hearing upon your death and reading your blog, my heart dropped. May Allah grant you jannah and give your family strength and patience x

  • Reply ANONYMOUS 3rd April 2020 at 10:05 pm

    Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, he was such a lovely boy, can’t believe it that he’s gone. May Allah forgive all his sin and grant you the highest rank in jannah.

  • Reply Rasnu bhai 3rd April 2020 at 10:25 pm

    My big little cuzzy, the gental giant.
    You will be missed dearly my brother.
    Next time I come to your house I won’t have no one to take the Micky out of me, no one to ask if boro fufu is here. but one thing I will say is sorry bro for not realising what demons you had to fight with just to keep that smile on your face, it takes a warrior to battle with your own demons and a warrior you where to battle for that long just to make others smile. may Allah forgive your sins and grant you the highest place in jannah.

  • Reply Aisha 4th April 2020 at 2:07 am

    May Allaah reward your patience, and may He, sunhanahu wa ta ^ ala, reward our brother’s patience and grace in dealing with struggles in this life with ease in the Hereafter. I’m so sorry for your loss

  • Reply Shamsulhuda Aziz 4th April 2020 at 10:44 am

    My little brother, you have taught me through your hardship to always smile and care about the wellbeing of others even though you were fighting your own battles. I can’t remember a time I was upset with you or angry with you. During your manic period I was scared, afraid of losing you, not knowing what was wrong, hopeless not knowing what to do. But even during your manic period I had hope because you constantly repeated the name of Allaah and His Prophet peace be upon him.

    When you stabilised all you wanted to do was lead a normal life like the rest of us. You had ambitions and many plans. You wanted a good job to support your family and others and you wanted a good education etc. You tried very hard to achieve those.

    And it wasn’t the worldly things you only desired. You always wanted to do the good deeds. Your heart was attached to AICP. You spoke passionately about all our teachers, Shaykh Abdullah who you never met, you memorised stories about him and loved to tell them, how they taught you the creed. You thanked me often for starting lessons with you and teaching you and praised Allaah. It was only you who would say “Boro Bhaiya let’s pray in Jamaa^ah” and “Boro Bhaiya lets have a lesson.” You were the main person who would ask a question at the lessons you attended at the centre to the point you got recognised as the “boy who asks questions”. You wanted to benefit and benefit others. You taught your friends and brought who you could to the centre and went out your way to organise a lesson for them.

    You were my little helper, my little brother who gave others opportunities to teach the people you encouraged to learn.

    You have left a big void. A very apparent noticeable void. I will miss talking to you and having a laugh with you. I wish I could hold you one last time. I pray that the good deeds you did and the people you taught is the reason you have a high status in the hereafter.

    May your struggles be a reminder for us who have the ability to live normal lives to praise Allaah for the endowments we have and do what we can to prepare for our graves for indeed this is a very short life, doesn’t matter how many more years each of us live at the end it will feel like a short one.

    I will miss you a lot Tawheed. May Allaah unite us in Paradise. Aameen

    Love you always Boro Bhaiya (Aziz)

  • Reply Anonymous 4th April 2020 at 12:36 pm

    This brothers blog will truly benefit many people. Many people suffer in silence due to the stigma amongst our communities. May Allaah reward him abundantly for this and grant him Paradise Aameen. It is not easy to speak about mental health difficulties, especially when faced with daily battles. To be able to write this blog whilst going through such a hardship with the intention to benefit others just truly shows this brothers character and his strength and courage throughout this.

    May Allaah reunite you with those you love in Paradise Aameen

  • Reply MB 4th April 2020 at 1:02 pm

    Thank you all for your kind messages. Please keep him and his family in your du^aas.

    From his big sister.

  • Reply ZK 4th April 2020 at 7:06 pm

    Inna lillaahi wa inna ^ilayhi raaji^oon
    May Allaah forgive him his sins, may Allaah grant him the enjoyments of the grave and may Allaah grant him the highest gardens of Paradise and may Allaah unite him with his loved ones in the Hereafter in Paradise.
    May Allaah ease the hardship of the family aameen.

  • Reply Anonymous 4th April 2020 at 8:40 pm

    We need to be more supportive of our children if they have mental issues. If we truly love them.

  • Reply Newaz 4th April 2020 at 11:42 pm

    إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون

    The most fond memories that I have with Towhid was when we used to go mosque together when we was younger. I remember how Towhid was amongst the only one in our group that was able to read a chapter of the Qurʾān in a hour. The mosque teacher would use Towhid as an example to encourage others to recite as much as he did.

    Towhid had some of the best manners whenever I met him and always smiling. I remember a few years ago, a year or so after his issues with mental health began and seeing him at the masjid during Friday prayer (Al-Jumu’ah). We spoke and and I remember noticing how pleased he was for himself to be able to secure a job (despite everything that he went or was going through).

    May Allāh grant Towhid mercy, forgive him of all of his sins , and grant him Jannah. May Allāh grant ṣabr and ease to his family during this difficult time that they are in.

  • Reply A 5th April 2020 at 1:11 am

    May Allah grant you Jannah Towhid. I pray that Allah grants you the highest rank of Jannah and reunites you with your loved ones.

    Masha Allah Towhid was honestly such a great and inspiring person. My family and I were devastated when hearing the news, Towhid and the family will always be in our duas. I was in the same year as Towhid and remembered a time when he was talking about Islam in school. He was so passionate And wise Masha Allah.

    I hope we can all help him by doing dhikr, sadaqah in his name. Im sorry not realising the extent of your illness. But i hope you are now at Peace.

  • Reply Büşra At-Turkiyyah 19th May 2020 at 4:32 am

    Maa shaa’Allaah! May Allaah protect and reward you for writing this piece. I have to be honest and I hope this won’t be rude but I got really sucked into the story and I was surprised when I reached the end so quickly! I read it a few times and I am really impressed to see the growth you have made. And I believe many people will benefit from this. I surely did, this is a new field for me so to read something so detailed and raw was eye opening!

    • Reply MB 13th June 2020 at 10:52 am

      Sister, he passed away on 2nd April 2020. Please make du^aa Allaah grants him paradise.

  • Reply Mushfique 25th May 2020 at 9:42 am

    Towhid was such gentle loving boy! He would come round and bring food every few weeks and he always had a big smile and loved talking to my mum. May Allah grant him jannatul firdous. A’ameen

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